As a therapist—and as a human—one of the hardest truths I’ve had to accept is that growth doesn’t always feel good. Sometimes, it looks like slowly drifting away from people you once loved deeply. People who felt familiar. Safe. Like home.

You don’t always grow apart because someone hurt you. More often, it’s because your values changed. Your awareness deepened. Or you finally learned to listen to your own needs instead of minimizing them to keep the peace.

Outgrowing people can feel confusing, especially if they didn’t do anything “wrong.” You might feel guilty. You might try to make it work one more time. Or you might shrink yourself—out of habit—to maintain the connection. I know I have.

But here’s what I’ve learned through my own work and through supporting others:
It’s okay to outgrow relationships that no longer align with who you’re becoming.
That doesn’t make you cold. It makes you conscious.

Still, the process is painful. It often comes with loneliness and self-doubt. And in that loneliness, many of us start to build walls. We harden. We assume we have to protect ourselves now—because being open didn’t feel safe before.

That’s when the second part of the work begins:
Learning how to soften again—without abandoning yourself.

It’s easy to confuse softening with weakness. But softness isn’t about being unguarded with everyone or ignoring your boundaries. It’s about staying emotionally present. It’s about being open to connection and discerning about who gets access to you.

For a lot of us, especially those with histories of people-pleasing or trauma, softening requires retraining our nervous system. It means learning that not every form of closeness is safe—and that’s okay. You’re allowed to pause. To assess. To choose.

Here are a few things I often remind myself (and my clients):

• You can miss someone and still know they’re not meant to be in your life right now.
• You can love people from a distance without re-engaging old dynamics.
• You can have firm boundaries and a soft heart.
• You’re not “too sensitive”—you’re self-aware.

Outgrowing people is a part of growth. So is grieving the version of you that tolerated more than she should have. And so is learning to reconnect with parts of yourself you had to bury just to get through the past.

If you’re in this place right now—navigating distance, learning boundaries, and trying to stay open to healthy connection—you’re doing the work. Even when it feels invisible. Even when it’s hard to explain to others.

Healing is rarely loud.
Sometimes it looks like saying no.
Sometimes it looks like not texting back.
And sometimes, it looks like sitting with the ache and reminding yourself:
I’m allowed to grow. I’m allowed to protect my peace. I’m allowed to receive love that feels safe and consistent.

You don’t have to close your heart to protect it.
You just have to be mindful about who you open it to.